I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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