i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
