Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
