i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
