My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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