My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
