I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
