we're chasing vodka with high fives
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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