her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
