all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
