just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
