the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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