dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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