I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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