That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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