I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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