How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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