if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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