also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wish I only lived at night.
The best revenge is premature balding
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
