I wish I only lived at night.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
