Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
