You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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