I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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