cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Floor bacon is actually really good