omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"