Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
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He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
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I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process