omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms