I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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