Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
