I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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