This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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