3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
