just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
