Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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