Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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