Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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