I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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