Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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