I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
