Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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