what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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