yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
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Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
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I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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