dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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