don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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