I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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