My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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