Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
