last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
