3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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