I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
