I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
