There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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