Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
