It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
