it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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