god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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