I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
