You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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