Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
