i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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