I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just invented taco cereal.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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